I Do Not Cry

Its a story of a man who appears to be tough, a man who has not cried for last 20 years. Body language of this man has always conveyed he is mentally tough, he controls his body language in such a manner, no one can make out what’s up in his mind, even when he is down and out. He cares a naught about what world thinks about him and he can scare world out of anyone when he wants to. He is timid inside, he is emotional within, he fears the world, the most. He is me, and, I have not cried for 20 years now.
Its not that I exercise a superb control on my tears, tears simply do not flow down to my cheeks. It indeed is a misery. I feel like crying many a times, many a times i have choked my throat in overwhelming emotion. Emotion which did emote from deep within me, emotion which was shaken into life by some life enriching experiences, emotion which was jolted into life by some life shattering experience, emotion of surrender in front of God, emotion which was reverberated by selfless love I could see in human eye. Yet I could not cry, I thought I was brave so did the world think.
I have met many a people who are mentally tough and physically strong, who have seen joy and sorrow more than me, yet, they cry.
Someone told me the other day, when in bad times surrender in front of God. I refined it and simply said surrender in front of God, always. I did it too. I was floating on a cloud white and pure as God himself. It took me to the beautiful landscapes and said its God. I closed my eyes as my eyes could not stand His brilliance. I remembered nothing, not my wife, not my daughter, not my parents, not my friends and I don’t know what not. This cloud knew no haste still it floated with brilliant speed and showed me human misery, malnourished babies, scantily clad women and said its God too. My heart filled with emotion again. I wished I could sob for long and cry like a kid. I wish, I could ask him, tell me why two contrasting words? I hate you, I would have told him. I hate you for the two worlds you have created. He could have understood only one language, i believe, language of sobs and tears. But you know I don’t cry.
I don’t cry God, let me cry. Let me cry as a child cries for his fair and unfair demands. Let me cry as a woman who cries with emotion of love. God i don’t want to be strong, I want to be weak, I want to cry. I want to have expressions on my face according to situation, no I don’t need to camouflage them, I want to cry. Let me cry God, let me cry.
Still, I have not cried for 20 years now.


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