Big Fat Punjabi Party

I got married to a Punjaban, 11 years ago. She belongs to filthy rich belt of Doaba in North Indian state of Punjab. First thing which I understood after our marriage was that being Punjabi is much about show off. And parties are best platforms to do so. Second and third thing about being Punjabi is eating and drinking. And again, parties are best platform to display your eating and drinking skills.

Punjabi parties are BIG and FAT both, on two accounts, one they are BIG and FAT on budget and second most of the people in parties are BIG and FAT. It’s obvious, as host you need to spend on a party, but usually the host ends up spending much more than he can afford to spend. And as a guest as well you end up spending much more than what is desirable.

It’s very interesting to see what happens behind the scenes while the host plans the party and it’s equally interesting to see behind the scenes how guests prepare to be part of party.

In planning a party a wonderful correlation exists between the importance of the occasion and lavishness of the party. If you throw a party on buying a Pomeranian dog at a lavish place your respect and status shoots up and party will be all smiles for you. It’s simple, throw a party at not so important occasion and bingooo, your status graph shoots up. 1^st step in planning a party to show off your status is to identify an ‘inconsequential’ occasion. On all important occasions you are supposed to throw a party, what is so special about those?

Step 2 for a party is identifying venue for party, mind it, planning a budget for party is last thing to be done, if at all you have to do it, most of the times budget planning is skipped. You can follow either of two strategies for finalizing venue, first is ‘new in town venue’ second is ‘most expensive known venue in friend circle’. Punjabis avoid any third or fourth strategy.

Advantage of ‘new in town venue’ is that you can easily boast about exorbitant amount you paid to host a party, while actually you had paid only 1/10^th. ‘Most expensive known venue in friend circle’ essentially ensures people know how financially sound you are, while you might have ‘borrowed’ a hefty amount from your father-in-law or brother-in law. It’s very important you build a very convincing story on how you wanted to spend much more but the city hotels don’t match your standards, you will need to tell this story to everyone in party, after all that was the core purpose of hosting this party.

Finalizing your party dress is another important step, it’s common for both, guest and host. There are few things to be kept in mind while doing so. First is the dresses, jewelry, shoes and other accessories are being used for the first time. What shop you bought them from and how much you have spent on it is also very important. Do talk about the brand you are wearing, throw some big names. After all it’s all what you will talk about in the party.

Second, while selecting dress for party you must run in your mind all discussions which happened in last party. That will generate competitive spirit in you to spend unaffordable amount on the dress. This step is so important because no matter how expensive dress you purchased for last party you came home with a complex about it, someone else had a better one.

After finalizing dress host needs to finalize menu for the party, it’s kind of free multi cuisine family dinner which the hotel gives you before you host a party. Enjoy it in name of tasting dishes before you order the menu. Ensure menu has spread of minimum 5 cuisines, else your reputation goes for a six. Also menu should have some difficult to pronounce foreign dishes, it acts as icing on the cake.

As a host you are nearly ready for party, few things which you as host and guest either ways need to know or do are listed at the end of article.

As a guest second step for you is to finalize a gift for hosts. Rule is simple, gift should be from big brand or from such brand which sounds foreign and impressive. Price tag should be intact, no matter you purchased it at 70% off, this tag is most important part of gift. Concoct a story around how you got this gift from Canada or London or Dubai when you last went there, it adds to your status as guest.

Important Do’s

1. Talk on how you don’t care about spending money.
2. Have a sharp eye to find faults in dresses of others, it’s probably the only way to prove your superiority.
3. Master the art of saying most wicked things with smile, you will need this to settle score of previous party.
4. Be sure of yourself, you at some time had thrown a better party than one you are attending let it be known to as many as you can.
5. It’s important to stretch your arms on both sides lift one leg in air with host in front of you in same pose (typical bhangra pose), a photo clicked in this pose is certificate you loved the party.
6. Carry some lose currency notes to be thrown on people dancing on latest dance number. How much you splurge is direct measure of your opulence.

Important Don’ts

1. If you don’t drink don’t let anyone know, there is nothing more embarrassing than this.
2. Don’t wear too sober dress. Loud colours are must.
3. Don’t leave you plate completely clean, leftovers are must.
4. If someone soils your dress don’t frown, it’s going to happen. In any case you were not going to wear this dress again.

Manage all this and you are ready for Big Fat Punjabi Party.